My Fight With The Dishes

It wasn’t until I left home for college that it came out of the shadows and began the onslaught.

Your mom isn’t around to protect you from me now! it seems to jeer at me each time a battle begins. It’s up to you to face me now…alone!

I’ve been fighting this Enemy to what seems like no avail for the past six years of my life.  It’s been exhausting.  Morale is low.  The Enemy is formidable, and while there have been many battles, the end of the war is still not within my sights.

Why me? I ask myself repeatedly; most people coexist peacefully, even symbiotically with what has become my arch nemesis.  Why must I alone fight this entity day in and day out?

Yes, most people indeed coexist quite peacefully with….the Dishes.  But not me, it seems – no, not me.

Many a bloody battle with the Dishes has taken place on my counter tops.  You see, it is the nature of my Dishes to conquer and vanquish – they are constantly trying to annex different parts of my kitchen – they amass in the sink, then they invade my counter, and in extreme cases, even the stove and kitchen table.

The trouble is, those Dishes are cunning.  They’re shrewd, and never attack en force immediately.  It’ll start with the gathering of maybe two or three dishes in the sink.  They look innocent enough, and always lull me into a false sense of security: Hey, we’re such a very few Dishes, we’re really not taking up that much space.  And you just did Dishes last night; we know how you hate the water turning your fingers wrinkly and getting those bits of scraps stuck under your fingernails.  Go on, put up your feet and read that copy of Elle we can see on the coffee table!  Just relax!

And I fall for it every time.  I tell you, those Dishes are sly.  One baking session and two meal preps later, the Dishes have successfully (and messily) reclaimed my kitchen counter as their own.  Routing them at this point is a serious undertaking.  I gather my weapons – loads of grease-cutting soap and my trusty scrubbie, and prepare for a good solid hour of intense hand-to-hand combat.  As I drop the first plate into the sink, another battle for the freedom of the kitchen counter commences.

Once upon a time, I was not alone in my ongoing quest to keep the Dishes at bay.  Once upon a time, I had an ally – and this was not just any ally, this was the ally.  When the almighty Dishwasher was on my side, not even a bread knife would step foot on my counter!  Pots and pans quailed in my presence!  I lived in peace, free of the constant threat from the Dishes that I now face daily.  Ah, life was good when the Dishwasher was around.

As I write, I notice that there is a lone cup sitting sentient  by the sink.  I really should go take care of it; I know that by this evening several cohorts will have joined it, and I would like to avoid even a mild skirmish this weekend.  I begin to get up.  Hey, take it easy.  It’s just me.  What harm will a little old cup do?  It’s the end of the week, you’ve worked hard.  Go on, finish writing then go check Facebook.  Just relax!

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5 thoughts on “My Fight With The Dishes

  1. Oh, I hope you got that cup! Don’t let it fool you!

    Thanks for this post. It really made me laugh. Though now I feel that I have to do my dishes. I especially liked the part about your ally in fighting dishes.

    Perhaps a minor ally you could get would be some nice yellow dish gloves as they will prevent the wrinkly fingers and food goo under they fingernails. They also let you work with hotter water and we all know how much dishes hate hot water. They are also pretty styling.

    Kimberllie got me hooked on the dish gloves when we got married.

    Mike

    • Hmm…dish gloves…i do believe i have a pair of those kicking around somewhere, but i seem to forget about them all the time. I should dig them up! I saw some really cool dish gloves that came in like zebra print and bright pink, and even had a cuff to catch dripping dish water! But being a boy I’m not sure you could fully appreciate zebra print rubber gloves 🙂

      And not to worry, that cup was got! ….not by me, but Nathan was at least on the ball.

  2. The battle scenes became brutishly vivid in my mind. I can hardly close my eyes and find sleep anymore! The kitchen is no longer a place of safety and comfort. . . .HELP!!

    What a fun piece Jenae!

  3. This one was great! You’re a fantastic writer and I always enjoy your blog (it’s the only one I read, actually!), but this one especially made me laugh. I sent my friend the link and she enjoyed it as well. Thanks!

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