its late (well, late-ish i suppose), and i’m getting old so i should really be going to bed, buuut i actually feel like writing something tonight, so i think i will.
life has been busy. good, but really, too busy sometimes. i love the idea of sauntering while the world is running, but this slowly turns into sprinting while the world is vespa-ing, which just turns into a big freeway lane that i inevitably become part of anyway. its hard to slow down and just really, truly be when everything else around you is moving and changing so fast. i guess i worry too much about what i’m missing when i’m not moving the same speed as everything else, but then what other things am i missing or not getting as much of when i rush along on my freeway lane life?
sometimes i become acutely aware of how little time i spend actively living in the present. i dont think its just me who has this problem either. i think its inherent with this rush rush lifestyle we are all so comfortable with.
i life a lot in the future. when i’m at work, i cant wait to be off work. when i’m finished work and lounging wherever, i cant wait for it to be the weekend. when its its the weekend, i count down the days until my next mini-vacation. and so it goes. even right now, as i write i am thinking about getting ready for and finally being in my warm, comfy bed…..and this is a perfectly good moment which i should be savoring. its quiet. i’m curled cozily in a chair doing something i love. i’m warm. i can name several people who love me unconditionally. and so on.
i probably spend an equal amount of time living in the past. i kind of think it comes from breezing through life, always on our way to somewhere else, so when we’ve left a place, physically or emotionally, we wish we’d spent more time there. its not even an issue of taking the things we have and experience for granted (though that can certainly be a part of the problem as well), but moreso, that as we allow ourselves to be constantly in motion, we aren’t able to savour or squeeze as much out of the here and now as we could. or should perhaps. imagine you are eating something delicious and decadent – maybe the most flavourful, juicy peach you could ever imagine. each bite a perfect burst of sweetness and tang – but you are so eager to move on to the next fruit that you gobble down this peach in seconds. what was meant to be enjoyed slowly, bite by bite, was barely even tasted.
okay, forgive the fruit metaphor. its late and i’m a little hungry.
i want to learn to live mostly in the present. i want to glean as much as humanly possible out of every experience, conversation, look, touch, place, and feeling as it happens. and maybe living in the past can slowly become simply reflecting on it. and perhaps i will find that i have more enticing me to stay awhile than to run off to the next place and moment.
sauntering is good. even sprinting and that freeway lane are okay sometimes too. as long as i can learn to integrate stopping occasionally as well.
so…..as soon as i figure out how to do that, i’ll let you know.